Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] You're listening to the Remote Mom Collective podcast, where moms can find their stride in the remote work world. Whether you currently work remotely or you want to, you're in the right place. I'm Brittany, the remote mom, and I've been working remotely since 2007. I became a mom in 2015, and there's a lot to learn. Together, we'll support, inspire, and empower each other on our journey to balance work, life and motherhood. From the comfort of our own homes or wherever we're working remotely together, let's redefine what it means to be a working mom. Let's support and inspire each other.
[00:00:47] Hey there, it's Brittany the remote mom, and you're listening to the Remote Mom Collective podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Today we are going to talk about the topic of going with grace and surviving your worst day days. I will admit I've been a little not down in the dumps recently, but just kind of not as encouraged and I'm not as hopeful and I just haven't really felt myself recently. The past couple of months have been really strange with lots of things happening, just one right after the other.
[00:01:23] And so it just feels like not everything is going against me because it hasn't been awful, but, you know, where you just don't feel like yourself and it just doesn't feel like a good day. And so I thought that this would be a good topic for us to talk about today.
[00:01:40] We've all had those days when it feels like everything that could go wrong does go wrong. Maybe it's a day when work deadlines pile up or your kids need extra attention and unexpected challenges keep coming at you.
[00:01:54] It's on these kinds of days that we tend to be hardest on ourselves, feeling like we're just not measuring up and that we can do more and we're not doing enough. I've been there. I'm here right now, and I'm sure you've been there too.
[00:02:11] You know those moments when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and you just don't know what to do and you don't know what direction to go in.
[00:02:20] But in these moments, practicing grace and self compassion can be a game changer. I hate that term, but it can be a game changer. It's about letting go of the expectation to be perfect.
[00:02:35] We are not perfect, and that's okay. And just allowing ourselves to be human beings. So let's explore how we can survive our worst days by going with grace so first of all, what, what is grace?
[00:02:52] So it's defined as the combination of self, compassion and resilience that helps us navigate through tough times. It's about forgiving ourselves and embracing imperfections. So Brene Brown says grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.
[00:03:15] So think about that. All of your mistakes that you've made, and I know I've made a ton, they now serve a purpose.
[00:03:24] So I've learned from those mistakes. Some of them are embarrassing, but I've learned from them.
[00:03:32] And instead of being shameful about it, I'm going to embrace those so that I don't feel that embarrassment and shame going forward. And I think the thing is too is that we have to remember that a lot of these embarrassing things or these shameful things, that mistakes that we've done, a lot of people have done them. So you aren't alone in that. And I think it's hard for us to remember that when we're in it.
[00:04:02] Like you're not the first person to make that mistake. There have been other people. You are not alone and you won't be the last.
[00:04:11] So it's important to show kindness to yourself during these difficult times and it is crucial for your mental well being. So just be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who's going through that tough time.
[00:04:28] There have been many times where I have been so ugly to myself. Times when I have looked at myself in the mirror and been like, you look terrible today. You are so overweight.
[00:04:41] Why would you want to look like that? You look so terrible. And I'm talking to myself. I talk to myself worse than the way I would talk to somebody that I really don't like. And there aren't that many people out there that I really don't like. But I would never even say that to them. So why am I saying it to myself? I guess because it's easy to say it to myself because I accept it from myself. But I think we don't need to accept it from ourselves when we're being ugly to ourselves. We need to recognize it and put ourselves in our place.
[00:05:14] Research by Dr. Kristin Neff found that self compassion can significantly reduce stress and improve emotional resilience. And that was done by the Self Compassion Research Lab back in 2017.
[00:05:30] So you are contributing to your own stress when you are not compassionate with yourself and you don't give yourself grace.
[00:05:39] So we're together, we are going to learn some techniques for managing stress and building resilience. And these are some things that we can do.
[00:05:47] One of the things that we can do is mindful breathing.
[00:05:51] So we can actually do a simple breathing exercise. What you do is you inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four, and then you repeat it a few times. I actually think it's called box breathing or square breathing or something along the lines of that that just popped into my head. So I.
[00:06:13] Forgive me for not knowing the correct term for that. I think it's box breathing or something. But let's try it together really quickly. So we'll only do two, we'll only repeat it twice. And then if you need to stop and do it more and more, then we can do it together. So. So we're going to inhale for four counts, hold for four, four counts, and then exhale for four. So let's go ahead and do this. Inhale, hold, exhale.
[00:06:52] One more time. Inhale, hold, exhale.
[00:07:05] Actually, I feel better just in those two that I did. So I feel like it does work. Maybe if you do it a couple more times after, then it can help you with being more mindful and managing that stress. So mindfulness can reduce stress up to 5 to 30%, according to the American Psychological Association. So if you want to reduce stress, let's just. Let's just practice our breathing. It's that simple. Isn't that amazing that it's something that as simple as our breath can help calm us down and help reduce that stress?
[00:07:38] Something else we can do is reframe negative thoughts. Okay. When I hear this, it makes me want to bang my head on the table.
[00:07:45] Reframe negative thoughts. Okay, sure.
[00:07:49] Easier said than done. But negative self talk and changing it into supportive and compassionate statements can really help. So instead of saying something like, I failed at this, you could say, I'm learning from this experience. So, for example, I failed horribly at ice skating. I hate ice skating. I'm a great roller skater. Great. Now I can't do tricks and I can't skate backwards, but I'm a great roller skater. I love it. It's super fun. I have my own roller skates. My daughter has her own roller skates and they light up and we love it. But I digress.
[00:08:31] I am terrible at ice skating. I failed. So I could reframe that and say, I'm learning every time I go ice skating how to do better each time. And I will tell you I don't like it, so I probably won't learn anymore. That might not be the best example, but you get what I'm saying, Reframe that, and it can lead to a reduction in stress levels. So if you say something like, I failed that test, which I have failed many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many tests in my life, and some of them I deserve to fail because I did not do any preparation. And some of them I did significant amounts of preparation and I failed. But I took those as learning opportunities and I learned and I studied what I missed and I did better. And in some cases, I passed with flying colors.
[00:09:26] So we have to remember that failure is not failure. Failure is a stepping stone in your progression to not perfection. Because we're never going to be perfect, but. But it's a stepping stone in that progression to getting better and to being better.
[00:09:46] And we'll never be perfect at anything.
[00:09:49] Another thing we can do is a grounding exercise.
[00:09:54] So you've heard the term grounding before, and usually what that means is just to kind of bring you back down to earth, right? Like, let's just stop for a minute and just think and get back into the moment, back into your life, back into what really matters. And there's a grounding method that is called 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And it brings the focus back to the present moment. So what you do is you stop, you name five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
[00:10:40] So five things you can see.
[00:10:43] What are five things that you see right now?
[00:10:49] What are four things you can touch right now?
[00:10:55] What are three things you can hear, what are two things that you can smell, and what's one that you can taste?
[00:11:10] I also, this is a little woo woo. But I also like to go outside and stand in my grass in my front yard barefoot, because I feel like that really grounds me. I like the connection and the feeling of my feet and the grass. And I like to do this at night, and I like to do it especially if there's a full moon or something. Oh, it's. It's great. I like to do that and just go and stand. And sometimes I like to just go and sit in the grass and just kind of soak it all in and let my feet feel the grass and feet feel the ground. And I believe there's healing. Maybe not healing isn't the right word. Maybe grounding is the better word here, but there's just a connection between you and the earth that I think is really helpful for that silence in your body and just kind of that reminder that it's okay to be in the present, it's okay to be just right there and to be quiet and to be one with the earth. Gosh, that sounds so woo woo. But you know what I mean. Or hopefully, you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, then take off your shoes and socks and go stand in a grassy area or in the sand or somewhere that feels good to your feet and good to your soul. And for me, the closest place is my front yard with my grass.
[00:12:34] It's amazing what nature can do.
[00:12:37] So I definitely recommend that there are many stories of overcoming adversity with grace and gratitude. And I'm sure you can think about all of the times that, you know, we think about famous people and stories of them being rejected before they have their big success. Really? That's really. Honestly, if you look at every person who is successful, they have a failure story prior to that success, and they keep working and working and working and working and working and then they finally get there. And it feels hard sometimes to listen to other people's success stories because you just think, oh, why can't I get there? Why am I not there? I've had all these failures too. When is it my turn?
[00:13:32] But that's part of your failure story is overcoming that adversity and learning from all of those setbacks. And maybe one point in that journey you decide to give up, and maybe that's part of it and it pivots you to something else.
[00:13:50] But maybe you believe in it and you keep going and going and going and you keep trying and trying and trying and you continue with that grace and that gratitude of each experience being a learning experience. And look, I know it sucks. Like, failure is not fun. And I don't know one person that really looks at failure and is like, oh, thank you, thank you. I'm so glad I failed so that this is a learning experience.
[00:14:23] I've never been like that. But looking back on failures that I've had, I've thought, okay, I definitely did learn something from that. And I can look back at it with pride and I can look back at it with compassion for myself, and I can look back at it as gratitude. But when you're in the moment, oh, it's so hard to be grateful and graceful. But I do think that we have and we have to, we have to accept that and we have to go through those emotions of like, man, this is terrible, and how we have to be sad. I think we do need to go through that emotion of being upset and being sad. But then we need to ground ourselves. We need to do our boxed breathing, and we need to get back on the saddle, for lack of a better word, and try again. And try again in different ways. Do something else. Talk to a different person.
[00:15:19] Try a different method of approaching the situation. Maybe try a different sales pitch. Whatever you're trying to do, maybe do it a little bit different.
[00:15:30] Think about a significant challenge that you've had.
[00:15:36] Maybe you've lost a job. Maybe there's another major life change, such as a loss in your family, or. I mean, it could be anything. Maybe you moved.
[00:15:47] And think about how you used it as a moment for growth.
[00:15:53] So, you know, all of the times that we've had, things that we've been through hard times, we're not always in the moment looking at it as a moment for growth. I think the majority of us are not looking at it as a moment for growth when we're in it, but when we look back at it, like I mentioned before, in retrospect, you can look back and see those lessons that you learned. And I don't think that we do that enough where we actually take time to look back at what we've learned from those setbacks, from those significant challenges, from those crazy things that happen in life.
[00:16:30] What did you learn from those?
[00:16:32] And how did you get through that? Because even in our darkest times, I feel like we have that little glimmer of hope, like that little Tinker Bell that's right in front of us, that little light right in front of us, and it's there. And think about what that was for you. Even in your darkest times. What was that little light? Was it you? Was it your kid? Was it your spouse? Was it the idea of the future? Was it your pet?
[00:17:03] Was it the promise of a degree? Maybe you were in school. It could be anything. It could be planting a garden. Oh, I have my garden that I have to tend to. And I really know it's going to be really fruitful. And whenever it's in season, it could be anything. So think back at what it was that got you through that, and be grateful for that.
[00:17:26] Because in that moment when you were in that despair, in that challenging time, in that darkness, there was something that got you through. Maybe it was God, maybe it was your religion, your faith, and be grateful for that.
[00:17:40] So when we practice being grateful and we practice that positivity, and I'm not talking about toxic positivity, but even on the tough days, the gratitude can shift the focus away from what's going wrong and that's how you can build resilience through gratitude. So if you take it and you're like, okay, yes, this situation really sucks, but this is giving me an opportunity to look at other potential career paths that I have or other strengths that I might want to consider that I probably wouldn't have considered if I wasn't in this particular situation.
[00:18:18] You know, we talked about Oprah on another episode, and her. She has a. A practice of keeping a gratitude journal, and that's really helped her stay grounded and resilient throughout her career. So instead of focusing on all the things that went wrong, because doesn't it seem like there's more things that go wrong than more things that go right?
[00:18:39] When you focus on the things that go right, it helps you see through the muck and see the light through the tunnel. You know what I always think of. Do you all remember the movie? I mean, of course you probably do, but Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. And when it came out, I think I was in the ninth grade, and I saw it like four or five times in the theater and cried every single time. But there's one scene, and actually, I mean, it followed the play, the William Shakespeare play, but there's one scene where the.
[00:19:10] The preacher or priest was talking to Romeo, and he's like, there art thou happy? He's listing all these things because Romeo was complaining about. I think it was before he even met Juliet. He's like, all these things wrong. And the priest is like, romeo, there art thou happy. Look at all these things you have. There art thou happy. And that's kind of what comes to my mind when I'm thinking about gratitude is somebody just being like, look at all these great things in your life. There aren't thou happy? You've got a great house. There aren't you happy? You've got a great family. You've got a great support system. So think about all those things. Don't focus on that crazy situation you have going on, because that's not the only thing you have going on in your life. It may be the focus, but it's not the only thing you have going on in your life. There's many other players involved, and it doesn't have to consume your life. You can choose to change that.
[00:20:12] So people who practice gratitude report A 25% increase in happiness.
[00:20:17] A 25% increase in happiness just by keeping, you know, practicing a gratitude. And whether that's keeping a gratitude journal or thinking about at the end of the day kind of Doing an inventory before you go to sleep about all the things that you're grateful for. That could be saying some prayers, you know, depending on your, on your beliefs, saying prayers and just thanking God or thanking the universe for all of the things that you're grateful for. That's essentially what prayer is.
[00:20:48] So be thankful, be grateful, and you'll be happier.
[00:20:54] We hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give. And that's only with gratitude that life becomes rich. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this quote. I'll repeat this again because I cut off the first part. In ordinary life, we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give. And that is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.
[00:21:24] I like that quote.
[00:21:27] So let's talk about some action steps and some things that we can do. For going with grace, I'm going to suggest that you practice self compassion. Okay, I need to do this myself. Treat yourself with kindness and avoid self criticism.
[00:21:44] Everyone has tough days and deserves understanding. You are so much more understanding with your best friend, with anybody else than yourself.
[00:21:55] Do what you would do to others, to yourself.
[00:21:59] Create a resilience plan. Create a list of go to strategies for challenging times, like calling a friend, journaling, practicing mindfulness, sticking your feet in the grass, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk. Create a plan so that when your mind is muddled and you just can only focus on, oh, I'm so frustrated and it's just not going my way, you can look at your list and be like, take a breath, go for a walk. Okay, I'm going to do that. Because you forget you get that tunnel vision when your mind is foggy and when you're frustrated, you forget how to do basic things.
[00:22:36] So having it written out in a plan might help.
[00:22:41] Staying present can help you.
[00:22:45] Challenging moments are temporary and we have the ability to move through them.
[00:22:51] Mindfulness can help you stay grounded when you feel overwhelmed. It can help you kind of get your eye on the prize, so they say, and just regather your thoughts and gather yourself and stay present. Stay in that moment. Recognize the way you're feeling, but then move through those feelings so that you can get to the next place and be like, all right, look, I felt sorry for myself and I'm done feeling sorry for myself. And now I have to get uncomfortable and I have to move on to the next step. I have to climb myself out of this hole and that's uncomfortable. But I got to do what I got to do to get to the next step.
[00:23:34] So. And then the next piece that I have for you is to journal. So reflect on a recent difficult day that you've had.
[00:23:42] And what, what are some things that you showed that you did to show yourself, Grace?
[00:23:47] Was it letting yourself have a piece of cake? It can be that simple. It can be as simple as letting yourself watch that show on tv. That is absolute trash, but you love it.
[00:24:01] I love Jersey Shore. That is my absolute trash tv, but I love it so much and it's such a guilty pleasure.
[00:24:10] How did you show yourself, Grace, and what are you grateful for in that experience? I'm grateful that I was able to watch mind numbing TV and you know, enjoy the shenanigans of the Jersey Shore crew and just kind of sit there and be a mindless dumb dumb for a while.
[00:24:33] I'm grateful that I have the ability to do that. I'm grateful that I have a TV and that I have an Internet. All those things. When you list out everything that you are grateful for and that you have, I think it helps you realize how much you don't lack.
[00:24:52] Maya Angelou said, you may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
[00:25:03] Hmm. What do you think about that?
[00:25:07] You can decide not to be reduced by them. So we can't control anything that happens around us, that happened to us, but we can happen. We have the ability to control what we do, our behavior. And I also do think that we have the ability to control some of the things that happen to us. Maybe not, I mean, not all of them obviously, but we can control how it affects us and we can control how we behave in that situation. And so that does affect how it does change how it affects us because our behavior is part of that. So I think we do have control. It just depends on how you react and you behave after all this is said. I do want to say that, and I know I have a lot of quotes in this episode today, but I feel like sometimes it's helpful. Instead of me just sitting here rambling, it's helpful to have impactful nugget of information. Maybe these quotes resonate with you and it encourages you and inspires you. So that's, that's my reasoning behind having all these quotes in here. But CS Lewis said, hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.
[00:26:29] I really love that quote. The reason why I love that quote is if you think about all these stories out here, think about the never ending story in Atreyu. And if you haven't seen that movie, please go see It.
[00:26:40] I think they're doing a remake of it anyway, which I'm very interested in seeing. But in the story of the Neverending Story, Atreyu is a simple buffalo hunter.
[00:26:53] And he is the one chosen to go on a quest and save the entire world of Fantasia. And then in another part of the story, you have a simple boy named Bastion. And he is nothing special when compared to his classmates, but he is the lead in this story. And he went through some traumatic events in his life and it made him ready for his heroic adventure. And so, yes, those are movies, that story. It's also a book. I recommend reading the book.
[00:27:31] But my point is, is that our traumas, our experiences, our breakthroughs, our challenges, our happy times, everything that we're going through in our life is building our path, building up our resilience, and is creating the building blocks of us so that we can move forward. And that when we are in the depths of despair and then we're at the bottom of that mountain and we have to climb up and we've got roller skates on, and it's icy, and we don't know what to do. We have the tools to take our roller skates off, and we also have the tools to melt the ice or the ice picks to climb up the mountain. And then we have the people cheering us on and throwing the rope down to us and helping to pull us up. And all of our experiences and hiccups and failures help us realize that we need all these tools to help us get to the top. You can't do it alone. And I think that's the main thing here. And as I'm saying this, a lot of these episodes, guys, I don't really plan out. I just have notes, and then I start talking, and then I end up coming, which is really cool. At the end of the episode with a closing sentence or a closing idea that just wraps it all up. And I think the point of this whole thing is that we have to have tools and we have to have a community. And we have to have those things in order to be successful and in order to go with grace and survive our worst days, we have to build that toolbox. And that's what we're doing. Every time that we have a failure, every time that we feel like we are not enough, we can take that little piece and add it to our toolbox so that we can pull it out and remember, oh, yeah, this is what I used, or this is how I got through, or this is what I needed to do. Looking back this is what I should have done and that hindsight is a tool.
[00:29:35] All right, I'm at the end of the episode time today. I really enjoyed speaking about this topic. I actually really needed this today. So I hope that you got a lot out of this episode and got as much out of this episode that I did. I encourage you to practice grace, resilience and gratitude in your daily lives. Lives. And I want to remind you that while tough days are inevitable, we're human beings. They will happen. They will not last forever. And with grace, perseverance, your toolbox and your community, you can not only survive, but grow stronger.
[00:30:11] I hope to hear from you. Tell me about your stories and how you go with grace and you can connect with me on @MomHeremote Mom. You can find my website, which is TheReemote Mom. I'm also on Facebook and Instagram and also LinkedIn. And if you're interested in becoming a guest on the podcast, there is a form on the website that you can complete. Also, share this podcast episode with somebody who might need to hear it. As we say here at the Remote Mom Collective, being different makes a difference. So let's support and inspire each other. Thanks, y'all.
