Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: You're listening to the remote mom collective podcast, where moms can find their stride in the remote work world. Whether you currently work remotely or you want to, you're in the right place.
I'm Brittany the remote mom, and I've been working remotely since 2007. I became a mom in 2015, and there's a lot to learn. Together, we'll support, inspire, and empower each other on our journey to balance work, life, and motherhood from the comfort of our own homes or wherever we're working remotely. Together, let's redefine what it means to be a working mom. Let's support and inspire each other.
Hi, everybody, and thank you so much for joining us for another episode of the Remote Mom Collective. I am Brittany the remote mom, and today I am here with Latoya Smith, and she is with overcoming mom guilt. Right, so we're going to talk about mom guilt today. And before we jump into the episode, Latoya, I'd love to give you an opportunity just to introduce yourself and kind of share a little bit of your story.
[00:01:14] Speaker B: Okay, cool. This is so exciting. So, I'm Latoya Smith. I am 40. I live in LA. I'm a mom of two. Well, three, because I've got two biological kids, and then I'm a stepmom as well. And so I started overcoming mom guilt because when I got pregnant with my second baby, I was a wreck. They put it lightly. I was. Yeah, I don't even know how to really describe, like, how I felt. It took me a couple weeks to come to terms with the fact that I was, like, going to have another baby, and we'll get into that in the episode, like, why I felt that way. But that's what kind of kicked everything off. I just thought, well, I cannot be the only person who's feeling like this.
[00:01:54] Speaker A: You're. So I actually. That resonates with me because I. I'll be 42 next month, and I felt the same. I only have one, but when I got pregnant with her, I immediately was like, oh, my gosh, my life is about to change. I knew how much my life was going to change, and I really mourned that person that I was not going to be anymore. And then when she came into the picture, there were all these things that I was like, oh, my gosh. Because I work full time and she has to go to daycare, and I feel guilty her in daycare all the time. And am I doing the right thing?
Definitely can relate to that a lot. So now you also are an author. You have a book out, right?
[00:02:36] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. I have a novel out right now that I love so much. And I also wrote a journal that, you know, talks about the mom guilt and stuff. But, yeah, I'm a writer. I write several things. I love essays. Right now, that's, like, what kind of feels the best to me and the most honest. But yes, I wrote a novel. It's really crazy, but I love it.
[00:02:56] Speaker A: That's so awesome. I can't wait to check it out. What is it called again, so our listeners can check it out?
[00:03:01] Speaker B: Yeah, it's called there's no such thing as fiction.
[00:03:03] Speaker A: There's no such thing as fiction. We'll link it up in the show notes, and then we'll make sure that we have all the contact information for you as well. So let's dig into overcoming mom guilt.
Let's talk about how that became something that really became, like, a passion for you. How did you come up with this, and what are you doing to help overcome the mom guilt? What do you do personally?
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
[00:03:26] Speaker A: Okay, so I know it's a big question, so we can just start. We can start wherever you want to start, because I know that other moms listening to this, this is definitely something that. That we all deal with.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: Absolutely. So I have been a teacher for, like, 15 years, right? And so I started teaching at this alternative school, man, five years ago, I think it was. And so we had a lot of young girls in the group who were just, you know, they had been system impacted, whether that's group homes, juvenile detention, what have you. And one day, one of the directors came to me and said, hey, Latoya, we would love it if you would do a girls group. And I was like, no, thank you. Like, I have six brothers.
Male energy is, like, my thing, right? And so I was like, teenage girls, like, you guys want me to talk to them? Like, no way. But I changed my mind. I was like, all right, I'm going to give it a shot. Right? So they all file in, and there are a couple other women who work at the center as well who decided that they were going to help because I was not enthusiastic about that project. And when we sat down and we started talking, I realized there was a girl in the group who was pregnant, and she expressed that she was really scared, and she just wanted to talk to some adults who had been through pregnancy and were raising children. And so I was basically telling her my experience. I was like, yeah, you know, I have a son. His name is Levi.
And somehow or another, I heard myself saying that I felt guilty about him being born prematurely. And I don't think I had ever said that before.
And so I was like, wait a minute. What am I? You know? And so after I said that, then the other ladies in the group, when they started to talk about their motherhood experiences, one was like, I feel guilty because all I do is work. You know, she's like, I'm a statistician, and I come over here and I volunteer because I need social work hours, and I'm never around for my kids. They have everything that they want, but I'm never around. And then another woman said, well, I feel guilty because I myself was incarcerated. And I think that's why my son thinks that it's okay for him to do things that led him into trouble. And so that kind of, like, set off a spark in my mind, but it kind of just, you know, I was like, oh, that's interesting. And I wrote down a couple notes or what have you, when I went home. Naturally, as a writer, like, that's my way of, like, you know, just compiling all my information, curating things. And then I got pregnant with my daughter story, who's now two years old. And I remember just, like, staring at the wall one day after coming back from the doctor, and I was like, I am so scared. Like, what am I going to do? And so I just started writing down a bunch of questions that I would want to answer about motherhood or that I would. That I felt like I needed to kind of dig into.
And so that's how the journal was born.
And as for me, quite honestly, overcoming mom guilt has had a lot to do with me just healing my nervous system overall, because I realized some of the thoughts that I was having were so irrational and rooted in anxiety and being stuck in the past. And so what? My daily practice is to just stay present. I'm like, where are you right now? Where are they right now? Does everyone, everybody has other limbs? Okay, cool. No one is.
And so that has made it so, so much easier to forgive myself for things that happened that I felt like were beyond my control, quite honestly. You know, premature birth is like, it can happen for a number of reasons, but I think because of what happened after the premature birth and having to deal with so many things, you don't expect, you know, it stuck with me for way too long as far as I'm concerned, but I'm over it now, so this is why we can talk about it, right?
[00:07:24] Speaker A: Good. Yeah. Isn't it funny that sometimes we don't know. We don't know that we feel a certain way until we're helping somebody else and we're like, oh, because it clicked in your mind and you're like, wait a second. I do have this mom guilt. I do feel guilty about this, and I'm kind of the same way. It's interesting that you say that, because my daughter, she's allergic to cashews and pistachios, so we have an epi pen and all that. And I'm thinking, because I don't really eat nuts. Like, I don't like nuts. And I'm thinking, well, if I, when I was pregnant, should I have eaten nuts? If I had eaten those nuts, would she be allergic to those now? Like, is that my fault? So it's definitely something that you think about. And, no, it's. I probably could have eaten those nuts and it still would be the same situation. We don't know, but you can't hold on to it. And I think your idea of focusing on the present is really important because we dwell too much on what we did in the past, and we dwell too much on what's tomorrow. It's important to understand and plan for tomorrow. But I do think that you're onto something with just focusing on what you can do right then and there and what you can control and that can help kind of reel in those feelings.
[00:08:30] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:08:32] Speaker A: So on your Instagram page, because, you know, I don't do Instagram. I do. You and I met on threads. I like threads a lot. I think it's really, I think it's so positive. I think it's such a nice, positive place to be. But I took a peek at some of your Instagram reels, and it looks like you had some great messages, just like daily messages that you're sharing with your audience. Can you talk a little bit more about that and how you're connecting with other moms? Talking about mom guilt, I would love to.
[00:09:01] Speaker B: So my daily messages are pretty much all about what I do with the kids on a daily basis. And so I work remote. That's part of the reason I'm here.
So I'm a curriculum writer, and I do that. I'm contracted to do it at least 3 hours a day, and so I kind of get it out of the way in the morning so that I can go outside. That's what I tell myself. I'm going to work right now so I can go outside. And so I take the kids, especially my daughter, because my son does go to school all over we go to the park, the library. We're there all the time and things like that. And I just try my best to focus on the beauty of that situation. You know, when my friends ask me from, like, my old job, like, oh, well, you know, what's your new job like? And I'm like, well, I took a pay cut, but what I do is just go to target less. And we laugh about that, right? Because what I think is important for moms to know. Like, I know moms who are, you know, engineers, moms who were contractors, moms who are attorneys, you know, and they bust their butts at work because they love that, and they also love their children. But a lot of times, we feel like we have to choose, you know? And I know that I myself have chosen. I have an MFA, and I got it because I wanted to be an english professor at a community college, because I went to a community college after I had already gotten my four year degree.
But I got it in poli sci, which I don't know why I did that, but I took english classes at the community college afterwards because I just love literature. And I was like, I want to be immersed in it, even if I've got to pay for it out of pocket, which I did. And I loved those professors that were so passionate, and I felt like, because at this time, I was in Florida, and I was like, wow, this is happening at these small spaces. But it was so intimate. It was, like, a great time to learn about stories I had never heard of and things like that. And I said, I want to do that. So I got my Mfa when my son had just left the NICU.
And, I mean, I worked hard. I got an a in every single class.
But when I was at home with him, and I was, like, taking him for walks and taking him to museums and showing up for all the little craft things at the library, I was like, this is what I want to do. And so on my instagram, I talked to other moms about, like, how cool those tiny moments are, not trying to take away from the moms who work full time. Cause that's cool, too, right? You have more money then to do whatever it is you wanna do with your kids, vacation, what have you. But for me, that's what I've chosen. I've chosen to, like, hang out with them. And I think it's amazing. And every little snippet is so, so important. Like, I turned around the other day. I was sitting working on something, and I was like, let me check on the baby. And when I turned around, she was standing there in the same chair as her brother as he's trying to do things on his iPad, like combing his hair.
[00:11:52] Speaker A: Oh, how sweet.
[00:11:54] Speaker B: Right?
[00:11:55] Speaker A: Like, that is sweet.
[00:11:57] Speaker B: Yeah. I was like, that's. That's what I'm here for. That's what I'm in it for at this point in my life.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: I love that. That's really great. So what are some other things when. What are some other messages that you share on your instagram about mom? Go. What are some other things that moms feel guilty about? I mean, it's working. Those of us that work remotely, like, feel like we're working all the time. Right. What are some other messages that you share or that you hear from other moms?
[00:12:20] Speaker B: I've got, like, a compendium, because when I first started, when I was like, I'm going to market the book, I sent out this mass email and text things to all my friends, and I was like, all right, tell me what your mom guilt is. Some people sent voice memos. They were crying. I mean, it was. It, like, really touched me. And I turned to my boyfriend, I was like, what did I even start here? And he was, like, something that you needed to. Right. So a lot of moms are very guilty about the work. They're super guilty about working. Right. Because, again, it's like an either or kind of situation, even if you work remotely. I mean, again, I'm contracted to only work 3 hours, and a lot of times I work more than that because I really like what I'm doing. But most of the moms that I talk to are guilty about working. And then I don't know why it surprises me, but it does. A lot of them are upset about the partner that they chose to have kids with because you can't do anything about that at the end of the day. Right, right. Some of the partners aren't showing up for the kids. Some of the partners are kind of making life hard for the mom, thereby making life hard for the kid, because we all know that if the mom is not happy, then it resonates.
[00:13:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Reflects into the kids. Yeah.
[00:13:36] Speaker B: Yeah. So it's that there are a lot of moms who are guilty because they don't have money to put their kids in their extracurricular activities. And again, that was a shocker for me. Like, I didn't even think about that, and I don't know why. Like, I guess because it doesn't resonate with me. I was not a kid who wanted to do anything like outside of going to school, right. I had all these siblings, so I had people to play with at home and things like that. I never, I never thought, like, oh, gosh, why doesn't my mom sign me up for, I don't know, piano? And she did, and I was like, I don't like that.
[00:14:11] Speaker A: I don't want it anyway.
[00:14:14] Speaker B: So many of the moms I talked to were like, gosh, I don't even have the money to put her in dance. I don't have the money for him to play soccer, you know? And I'm like, oh, yeah, that would make you feel bad if that's something that you want to do.
[00:14:26] Speaker A: Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, we're kind of dealing with that now. My daughter's interested in all these different things, and, like, you have to pick and choose what you can do and what you can't do. And time is also a factor, too, so money is definitely one thing. But also, you only have so much time in a day, and, you know, there's only so much. I know a lot of times for me personally, I get, I get really focused in work, and because I work from home, you know, you live here, you work here, you never leave here. You feel like you're always here. But it's easy to cross those, those lines of what's work time and what's family time? They get blurred. And I know that you have your 3 hours a day, which is amazing. You're probably able to kind of, like, put boundaries on those a little bit. And I think there's some of us, like me, who's guilty of not putting boundaries of it on it. And so when my daughter comes down to ask me a question, I'm in the middle of focusing. I might be like, hang on a second. You know, I'm trying to finish this. And so I talk to her maybe in a way that might not be the nicest, and she didn't deserve that. I'm just trying to focus, and I get frustrated, and then I'm like, I try to take a step back and be like, okay, I should not have reacted that way. So there's definitely some mom guilt there, too, in the way that I talk to my daughter and out of frustration, and it's not her fault, and then I feel terrible about it.
Now, you're, some of your, the ways that you deal with mom guilt is you do think about it in the moment. You write everything down. Are you a journaler? Obviously, because you have your journal. What is the journal called? Is it the mom guilt?
[00:16:02] Speaker B: Journal. It's overcoming mom guilt.
[00:16:04] Speaker A: Overcoming mom guilt.
[00:16:05] Speaker B: Everything. Yeah.
[00:16:07] Speaker A: And does it have prompts in there for moms to.
[00:16:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: Awesome.
[00:16:11] Speaker B: That has, like, 40 some odd prompts. I have one. I'm looking at it right now. It's, like, under a stack of books, and I'm like, if I grab that, are they gonna fall?
[00:16:19] Speaker A: But let's see what happens.
[00:16:23] Speaker B: Okay, let me take.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: And we'll link up to where everybody can get the mom guilt or the overcoming mom guilt journal. And these are prompts that you put together. And do you work from this journal on a regular basis? Is this coming from your own personal journal prompts?
[00:16:39] Speaker B: Yep. So here it is right here. I don't know if you can see it, but here it is. I would love to send you one, by the way.
[00:16:47] Speaker A: Oh, that would be amazing.
[00:16:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:49] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:16:50] Speaker B: Yeah. So how many props here? Oh, I didn't number them. I think I did work around, and then I didn't anymore. But there are things in here. Like, what did you feel the first time you saw your baby connection?
Because I remember working at a school back in Florida, and one of my really good friends told me she felt nothing for the kid when she saw the kid, her first baby, and I thought, wow, that's pretty interesting. She said it took her a while.
[00:17:19] Speaker A: Yeah, it took me a little while to bond as well. Yeah. So that's definitely something that's common.
I love that you have that journal. What else do you do? What else do you do besides writing?
Do you go for a walk to clear your head? What are some other ways that moms who are dealing with the guilt? What are some other ways that we can work through that?
[00:17:42] Speaker B: So I take a walk almost every day. There's a latin american grocer right next door with excellent produce, and we're vegetarian right now.
[00:17:54] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: I take the opportunity to go there and get produce on my own in the afternoons once the kids are settled and homework is done and that sort of thing.
I also wake up at 05:00 in the morning, so.
[00:18:04] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
[00:18:05] Speaker B: I. I know, right? Like, every time I say that, people are like, how?
And it took practice. Yeah, it took a lot of practice, but I do it because I'm an avid reader, and there is no other time I got a kindle because I was like, okay, maybe I can read in bed with this, and then I can reading timing, because it's something that, like, has to happen for me, or I just feel really discombobulated throughout the day. So taking a walk, reading every day, because I wake up at five is perfect. Especially because at five, no one else is awake.
[00:18:40] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: Nobody's saying, mommy, I want this or I want that. Mommy, play with me, yada, yada, yada. I can take a shower by myself without the curtain being snatched back.
[00:18:50] Speaker A: Isn't it funny? Those little things that we used to take for granted, to just take a shower in peace?
[00:18:58] Speaker B: Yeah. And you have to, like, fit it in. My partner is the most supportive man I've ever seen. But, like, kids want to be with their mom most of the time.
[00:19:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:08] Speaker B: Like, my son, every day after school, he's like, okay, mommy, let's play on PBS kids. Let's. And I'm like, okay, I'll play at five. And five. He's like, okay, it's time to play. You know? And so I just feel like the day is theirs, pretty much. So I do these tiny little things. Like, if my daughter is taking a nap, I'll say to her dad, okay, I'm gonna run out. And sometimes I don't even know where I'm going when I say this, but I go somewhere, usually Barnes and noble or target, something like that, anything, to just be by myself.
And then I use supplements a lot in order to feel calm. Lemon balm is my favorite. Oh, magnesium.
Recently, I've learned a lot about b 50, the b 50 complex. That helps, too, to just feel grounded and okay, because the overstimulation can really lead to, I think, behaviors that then lead to mom guilt. Right?
[00:20:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:07] Speaker B: Because when you're overstimulated, you're gonna speak louder than you want to. You're not maybe going to think about what you're saying, things like that. And overstimulation is so easy. My daughter wants to watch Miss Rachel, like, nonstop. And I love Miss Rachel. Hey, Miss Rachel.
But hearing that all day while I'm trying to meet the requirements of my job, make myself happy. I have a great relationship with my partner. I don't ever want to, like, be too stressed out for anybody in my environment, you know? So the supplements help a great deal.
Yeah. And that. That's pretty much it. I just love.
[00:20:49] Speaker A: You know, I. If the listeners could see us, they would probably would have just seen a big light bulb go over my head when you said overstimulation over. Over stimulation. Can't get the word out. Yes. I think that's. I think that's what gets us there and the frustration. And that's when we say things, do things that we don't want to do, and then we feel guilty about it. So I know for me, that's something that helped that I react to is like, if I get over, if there's too much noise, if there's too much going on, if my husband's talking to me at the same time as my daughter, and I'm trying to unload the dishwasher, and like, I'm like, guys, get out of here.
[00:21:26] Speaker B: That one.
There are times when I'm sitting at the dinner table and I might be trying to type something. The kids are talking to me, all three of them, at the same time. And then my partner will be like, hey, did you hear about. And I'm like, I'm going, yes, yes.
[00:21:45] Speaker A: Oh, I feel like that is something that definitely. So a way to. I don't know that there's a way to avoid the mom guilt. I think the mom guilt will always be there. But situations that cause the mom guilt.
[00:21:57] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: And at least in my situation recently, has been caused by over stimulization or over stimulates, whatever. You know what I'm saying?
[00:22:05] Speaker B: I know exactly what you know. You're fine. But it's a. Because that's so real, and I don't think we pay enough attention to it. Yeah, I don't. But what it. What has gotten my attention is that my son is neurodivergent.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: Okay?
[00:22:21] Speaker B: So, okay, I'm like, what would Levi need?
What would he need? But he need sunshine. Yeah, that might help. Fresh air. That's what I need, too. Because what I. What I've learned about him is he. It's very, like, specific little things that help his day run smoother. And I'm like, if I know to do that for him, then I should know to do it for me, too.
[00:22:44] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:22:45] Speaker B: Right.
[00:22:45] Speaker A: I think you also have, you've also mentioned an important thing as well. We talked about it a little bit in the beginning when you were sharing your story. And I think it's super helpful for people to understand that mom guilt is something that every mom goes through. You're not alone. And when we start voicing that and we start saying it, you feel more comfortable saying, oh, yeah, I feel that way, too. Oh, yeah. And I'm actually discussing this with another podcast guest in a couple of weeks. But I feel like also, the stay at home mom title that we used to know when we were kids in the eighties and nineties is completely different now than what it was in those days. And I think a lot of times we still have a lot of those expectations that the stay at home mom stays, literally stays at home with the kids, but also does a million of other things, and then they're not working on top of it. So I think that we have more pressure now these days than there were in the eighties and nineties when you and I were kids.
[00:23:47] Speaker B: Absolutely. And to take it a step further, because yesterday, my daughter, the older one, came home from school, and I was like, hey, what would you like to eat? And so I started to make her something to eat, and I thought to myself, I was like, wow, this is so amazing. I'm home when my kids get home from school, but I remember my mom working all day and then coming home, and we were at home because we were latchkey kids, and then she would make us, like, this full meal.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:24:16] Speaker B: And I was like, how was she doing that?
[00:24:20] Speaker A: There's no way I would. I would do that.
I wouldn't have the time. I wouldn't have the energy to do it. Like, how would she.
[00:24:28] Speaker B: I'm like, whoa. Because I was talking to another friend, and I'm like, I'm so glad that I'm patient with my kids that I can say, okay, I'm sorry you feel like that, but dot, dot, dot, right?
Or not scream at them. Or not spank them. And I said, well, man, our moms, some of the yelling and the spanking and everything else, they were probably just, like, at their wits end.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: Yes, yes.
[00:24:56] Speaker B: Were they working all day and then cooking, too? But they still. They looked good.
[00:24:59] Speaker A: I know.
They had great clothes. Like, the clothes and the haircut was always done. You know, it was just. It just was. You're right.
You're right.
[00:25:09] Speaker B: Like, when I think about it, like, wow, they were really.
They were really doing stuff.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So that's something that I'm. I noticed it the other day just in some conversations on threads, and I was like, I think there's something else there that needs to. That we need to dig into. Into.
[00:25:26] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:25:27] Speaker A: Yeah. But we're actually coming up on time. This has gone by so fast. I'm so glad that you. I know this has been a really great conversation. So if anybody is, I think what we. What we learned here is that, you know, we. It's okay to talk about mom guilt. It's okay to have mom guilt. We all have it.
[00:25:45] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:25:46] Speaker A: And if we need support, we can reach out to each other. I know you can definitely reach out to Latoya. Latoya, do you want to share some of the places where people can find you? And we'll also link it up in the show notes as well.
[00:25:57] Speaker B: Absolutely. I love threads, as you mentioned. It's so friendly, so supportive, so helpful, and without the nastiness of some of the other social media outlets. But I'm on threads. I'm on Instagram.
I'm on Facebook, but I don't love Facebook. So threads or Instagram is the best way to find me.
Yeah.
[00:26:19] Speaker A: Okay. And it's overcoming mom guilt on overcoming mom guilt on this. Great. Okay. So if you all want some great advice on how to, you know, just some everyday, daily reminders of, you know, taking the deep breath and dealing with the mom stuff that happens every day, and just a friendly voice to listen to, definitely check out Latoya's profile and follow her. I don't know what are the. I'm so behind on what you say for Instagram. Is it, like, give it a follow? Because Facebook was like a like. And a follow would have people do on Instagram. Same thing, I think.
[00:26:51] Speaker B: On Instagram, they like and follow, too.
[00:26:55] Speaker A: I feel so old, so. Well, thanks again so much for joining me. I am so glad to have met you, Latoya. And now I hope that I can call you a friend. And let's definitely stay in touch. And thanks again to all the listeners listening today. We will talk to you next time, and I hope everybody has a wonderful day.
