Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] You're listening to the remote mom collective podcast, where moms can find their stride in the remote work world. Whether you currently work remotely or you want to, you're in the right place.
[00:00:15] I'm Brittany the remote mom, and I've been working remotely since 2007. I became a mom in 2015, and there's a lot to learn. Together, we'll support, inspire, and empower each other on our journey to balance work, life, and motherhood from the comfort of our own homes or wherever we're working remotely. Together, let's redefine what it means to be a working mom. Let's support and inspire each other.
[00:00:46] Hello, friends, and welcome back to another episode of the remote mom Collective. I'm Brittany the remote mom, and I'm so glad you're here. Today we're going to be talking about comparison. So, comparing yourself to others and where they are in their careers or their life or whatever, and understanding that your journey is completely different and it's unique to you. This bothers me sometimes. I try not to let it get me because I know that my particular story is different, as is every single person's. Not one person's story or situation is going to be the exact same.
[00:01:22] I had different opportunities available to me and not unavailable to me. Similar to you. You've had certain opportunities available to you and unavailable to you. And where we are now is a result of the choices that we make and the people that we know and the path that we take to get us to where we are now. So not. It's not like we're all on the same track and we're in a race. We are definitely not in a race because my road has all these different twists and turns and cutoffs and dead ends. Then. Then yours does. Yours has all of those same things, all of those same challenges in different ways. Not the exact same challenges. But you also have challengers, is what I should have said. You also have challenges, but they're different, and they're not in the same places as mine. And so there's absolutely no way that if we were in a race that we would make it to the end at the same time. There's absolutely no way that's possible.
[00:02:21] And we know that the amount of money we have, the people that we know, the locations where we live, all of those things are factors into how our lives are played out. So we need to keep that in mind, too. So today we're going to talk about how to try to not compare yourself with somebody else. I know that's really hard and how to really embrace your own personal journey because it truly is unique to you. Not one person's journey is exactly the same. And that's okay. That doesn't make one person's journey better or worse than the other. We all have difficulties in our lives. Some may be more intense and scary, I guess, than others, but we all have challenges. No one's life is perfect. I know a lot of people in the past have looked at me and been like, oh, you have it this way. And, you know, you know this person and this was easy for you, and maybe it was in certain parts of those lives of my life, but you didn't see the other parts that I've been through. And same for you. It looks to me like you got everything you wanted because you got all these great grades in high school and college, and you were in this group and this networking group, and you easily made it in through here. But I didn't see the hard things that you did on the backend. Nobody sees the hard things. And social media. I have such a love hate for social media. I'll never forget when Facebook first came out. I was a senior in college, and at that time, only people with college email addresses could sign up for Facebook. And my best friend at the time was going to a tech school, and I believe it was only the tech schools that were getting the new Facebook login, accessibility or whatever. And she's like, I actually can get you a guest link, or I can get you a link to get you signed up. Do you want it? And I was like, yeah, that's fine. I was like, nothing's going to be better than instant messenger. And I signed up for Facebook. And honestly, I thought it was one of the dumbest things I had ever seen in my entire life. I was like, this is never going to go anywhere. This is so stupid. Nobody cares about what you're eating for lunch or what you're doing after class. Like, nobody cares about that stuff. And boy, was I wrong.
[00:04:38] But anyway, I will say that I don't love social media. You guys know, if you've listened to any of the other episodes in this podcast, I do not like Instagram. I am way more on Facebook. I don't even post on my personal page on Facebook. I mostly use it for groups and I follow business pages on Facebook, but I do not really post anything on my personal page. I don't really have, like, connect with friends on Facebook to stay in touch with them or anything. But Instagram to me, just feels so cheap. I don't know. It just feels so fake. I don't like it. That being said, social media can make us feel and see others and feel inadequate to them because everybody only shares the good things. Nobody's going to share that. It was super hard and you messed up a hundred times on the dance move that you posted for the two minute video that you put on or whatever. 32nd video on Instagram or even TikTok. I'm not even on TikTok, so I couldn't even speak to that. I don't even know how to use it. Is my elder millennial showing or what?
[00:05:41] Actually, there's probably a lot of elder millennials on TikTok and Instagram. I just am not interested. But I do like watching reels on Facebook. I will watch those. Nobody sees the hard stuff is what I'm saying. And I think it's really important for us to see the hard stuff and for us to be raw and real and understand that in order to get to that shiny, finished, glossy product and the shiny glossy certificates and all of the things that show the finish line, the trophy, the medal, all of the awards, the presentations, that is a result of all of the hard work that that individual has put into getting there. And some people do it for the reward, and some people don't do it for the reward. My advice to you is don't do it for the reward. Do it for yourself.
[00:06:33] I think one of the things that makes it really important, too, is if you truly are being authentic to yourself and real to yourself and doing what you absolutely love, then you're not going to really want to compare yourself to someone else. Now. It's human nature to compare yourself. I think we all do it subconsciously, whether we mean to or not. It just happens. It just happens. It's okay if you mess up and you compare yourself, you're not a bad person and you're not doing anything bad to yourself. It's just human nature.
[00:07:06] I just think that if we are having a moment of comparison and we feel jealous and we feel envious, just take a moment to think about all of the things that you have done in your life. And if you're having trouble thinking about those things, think about what you're really good at. What are you really good at? If we go back to, I think it's the first or second episode that I did on this podcast about authenticity and really understanding what you love to do. And we're trying to have skills, find skills that help us determine how we want to apply. And that was a different episode. That one was finding our skills, our transferable skills. So things that you really enjoy doing that make you. You. It's not going to be comparable. Like, if you enjoy baking, it's not going to be comparable to a lady who really enjoys sewing, because those are two completely different activities. And I'm kind of going like, that's probably a bad example, but I think you understand what I'm saying here is that my field and your fields are not the same. So there's really no comparison, number one. So if you're comparing yourself to a social media influencer who does nothing but post TikToks all day long, and they have an affiliate program, and when they sell you their I how to course, it's literally nothing but them telling you how rich they are, which is not a how to course at all. And then they ask you to pay more money to do all of these different things a la carte, and then you're not really getting anything of value. You're just being asked to give more of your money away. Like, that's. That's not. You don't want to. Don't compare yourself to that person. Please don't compare yourself to that person. That is not somebody that I would want to be. So understanding that if you want to grow as a person, don't compare yourself. Or maybe, you know what? That's actually, you probably could use somebody as an example of how they overcame a specific hardship. And maybe that was something where they grew up homeless, or they got a scholarship, or they were. They are a single mom. Those kinds of things that maybe be similar in situation to you and they are inspiring to you. Absolutely. Look at the, you know, use them as an example of what to who to look up to. And it is super helpful to have someone in your line of vision that you can look up to that has been through something similar to what you've been through. And it feels. It gives you hope. It feels super hopeful. So it is very important for us to know other stories that are going through similar situations as us, but it's also very important to understand that your story is not going to match up 100% with that other person's.
[00:09:57] I think one thing that we forget is that, yes, we all have choices and we all make decisions, but the road in my life is completely different than the road in your life. We may be the same age, we both may be moms, we both may be working from home fully, we both may really enjoy coffee. But the fact of the matter is, is that all of the hardships, all of the advantages, all of the places I've lived, all of the people that I've known have added dead ends, twists, turns, shortcuts, you know, trees to climb up instead of go through or over, you know, and same for you. And they're all placed in different locations along both of our paths, so they're never completely equal. So getting to the end is not going to be the exact same. It's not the same distance. It doesn't have even have the same obstacles, maybe similar obstacles, but not the same. And so it's not a race.
[00:10:56] You are not racing with anybody else, and honestly, nobody's comparing you with anybody else except for you.
[00:11:03] So if you are constantly comparing yourself to somebody else, then it can increase anxiety, depression. You can think less of yourself. You can sit there and think, oh, my gosh, I am completely not worthy because I don't have the same things as this person. Why do they have a VP title role and I'm still in an entry level and I still have an entry level title, or I took a break taking care of my kids for 18 years and I'm having to start from the bottom. And my friends who are the same age as me, who either didn't have children or they were working mothers, now own their own companies or they have all these top leadership roles. It's super hard.
[00:11:46] If you show up at a PTA meeting or a play date or whatever that is, and this mom is super busy, owns her own business, and can afford a home, chef and a maid, great, good for her.
[00:11:59] She worked really hard to get there. And you can get there, too. You'll just be ten years behind her, and then you could be up there, too. And then somebody will be comparing their lives to yours. It's just a cycle. It happens. And whether you know it or not, somebody else is looking at you going, oh, my gosh, this girl has all of her stuff together. I wish that I could be like her.
[00:12:21] And yes, it does feel good. If somebody says, how did you get to where you are? I want to learn. And if that's the case, then that's a great opportunity for you to maybe. Maybe there's a coaching opportunity there, and maybe you can use your expertise to start a business, and then that is the way for you to get to the next level.
[00:12:43] So I want you to think about this quote, and I know you've heard this quote before.
[00:12:47] Theodore Roosevelt said, comparison is the thief of joy. Isn't it, though?
[00:12:54] Can you think about the last time that you were so excited about something. Maybe you got a new job, maybe you got a new outfit. Maybe you got invited to something that was really, you know, an exclusive event or something, and then something brings you down. You don't have a dress that is as pretty as somebody else's, or you gained a couple pounds, and you don't feel like you look like the other moms or whatever that is. It doesn't matter what the situation is.
[00:13:29] You're happy for 1 minute, and then you think, oh, I'm not worthy to be there, and then your happiness is gone.
[00:13:36] Don't take your own happiness away by comparing yourself to somebody else.
[00:13:45] We all feel inadequate sometimes. It's inevitable. We're human beings. That's what happens. We all feel inadequate at some point.
[00:13:54] And it's hard when you're in the moment to think, oh, somebody else is going through this. But the fact of the matter is, is that somebody else is going through it. So you are not alone in feeling inadequate, especially if you're new at something, or especially if you've never done anything before, done that particular activity before. We all got to start somewhere. We don't start off being experts.
[00:14:18] We start off learning, and then we get better, and then we get better. And that's the same thing with comparison. We have to start with trying not to compare ourselves to somebody else. And then once we notice that we're doing it, then maybe we need to stop and take a moment and say, no, that person's journey is completely different than mine.
[00:14:38] If I think about my career path and what I have been grateful to have over the many years, and you all know that I was a military spouse for a very long time, and my husband just retired. And if you've listened to the podcast, to other episodes, then you know that military spouse underemployment and unemployment is a huge issue, and that 23% of military spouses are or unemployed simply because of the fact that we typically move every two and a half years, and employers do not want to hire military spouses because they know that they're leaving. And why would you, when you know that somebody's leaving and then you just have to rehire someone?
[00:15:23] When I've looked at my peers who did not have the same situation as far as being married to somebody in the military and they were in a constant location, maybe they never moved or they moved to an area that had a lot of opportunity in the field they were working in, and they were doing so well, and they were building a client base, and they were going to all these events and they were doing all of these things, and they lived near family who could help out to watch kids. And it would feel so defeating when I would compare myself to other people who had a great career progressions simply because they were able to be seen in a. In person, in an office, and had more visibility and more opportunity, frankly, because they didn't have to move every two years to move up.
[00:16:15] I was in the same role, the same role for almost seven years. That's insane. That would not be okay for me now.
[00:16:26] There was absolutely no growth, and it wasn't because I wasn't doing a good job. It just. The opportunity wasn't there because in that particular industry and company, people didn't really move. And most of us were remote, so we were like, I'm not leaving a remote gig. This is too good. I mean, this is not.
[00:16:44] The pay wasn't amazing, but I had benefits and I had a consistent job, and, you know, I definitely wasn't getting a title change or anything like that. But you can't beat getting a paycheck every two weeks and knowing that it's coming and knowing that you can. You've done it for so long, and you can do it like the back of your hand, and it's a steady job.
[00:17:08] That's why people stay in jobs for so long, because it feels secure and there's no risk.
[00:17:15] I was always focusing on everybody else's achievements instead of focusing on what I could be doing to get myself there, too, instead of saying, well, so and so got their certification in this.
[00:17:32] Good for them. Must have been. Must have been nice to have that opportunity, instead of saying, not. I could have taken that energy and been like, okay, they got this certification. What do I need to do to get there? What can I do? Where can I go? Who can I talk to? I want to get there, too. Use somebody else's achievements to inspire you to do something in your life. If there's somebody that is on a similar career path or somebody you really admire and you've been following their story, then use them as an example. And maybe if you know them in person, as a real person, instead of just following them on social media, or maybe they're not a public figure, if you actually know them, ask them if you can hear some of their story and the strategies that they used, and use them as an example. Do not use them as something to compare yourself to, and that's different. I know that sounds confusing. Use them as a model, not necessarily something to compare side to side, side by side, because we're never going to find another person that we're going to be able to compare apples to apples. It's always going to be apples to oranges. If you focus on your strengths, your values and your achievements, focus on the good things, focus on those things that you know you have done that you know you can do.
[00:18:57] And if it helps you be the inspiration for somebody else, maybe your story, maybe you want to document your story from the start so that people can follow along with you. And, you know, instant success doesn't happen overnight unless you, like, win the lottery or something.
[00:19:16] It doesn't happen overnight. For the most part. There are some lucky situations, but hard work is what gets people typically to that finish line that we always see. We always see the finish line and that's where we're comparing ourselves. We're not comparing ourselves to the path. Which, again, remember I said the path is not the same, but it is helpful to see someone on their own path, because then you can be like, oh, my gosh, they lost their job, too.
[00:19:46] They went through that same hardship. They went through a divorce. They lost somebody in their life that was a significant player.
[00:19:55] And so those hardships become relatable. And it can help you understand that person a little bit more, too, and see them more as a person. Instead of this being that you know is amazing and did all of these great things, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. That is a quote by Maddie Mullins, and I love that quote. Because if we are constantly trying to improve and do better and work on consistency, maybe we can start with just trying to be better than we were yesterday. And eventually we're just going to get better and better and better and better. Because if we know anything about getting better at things, we need to practice. So don't compare yourself to somebody who's been on a completely different journey than you. It's not fair to yourself.
[00:20:49] It's not fair to yourself. If you were sitting here with your best friend and your best friend was talking about how they didn't win, they didn't get this, they're complaining about where they are in life. You're going to use words to encourage them, right? You're going to use words to show them, hey, you've done this. You've done all these amazing things. You're going to lift that your best friend up and show them that they are worthy of where they are now. And this journey is part of the process.
[00:21:18] It's not the end result, that is part of the process. The journey is where we get all the experience.
[00:21:24] The journey is where we collect all of that knowledge and that we can eventually share with someone when we get to the finish line. And I don't really think there is a finish line. Like, even if.
[00:21:35] Even if you have so much success and people are wanting you to come speak for them and they're wanting to be around you and they're wanting your advice and they just think you're a great person, that's not the finish line. You still got to work hard to be relevant. So some strategies, I did some research on this and some strategies to avoid comparison would be things like meditation and journaling so that you can increase your self awareness and reduce the urge to compare. And so, look, this is the thing. We're always going to have the urge. If you feel the urge and it makes you feel sorry for yourself or it makes you feel like, oh, I'm never going to get there. Take a minute, maybe make a quick mental list of all of the things that you've done to get where you are now, because I guarantee you somebody else is looking at you going, how did they get where they are? So just always think about, not that you always want to do something to, you know, show off, but if you could do something to inspire others to be better, doesn't that make it a little bit more enjoyable? I think, not that we're doing things for other people to notice, but we kind of want other people to notice, right.
[00:22:44] We like it when other people notice good things about us. So I don't feel like that's a bad thing to want to inspire others with our own personal story. But you can't inspire others if you're not doing anything. And sometimes if we get in a cycle of comparison and we wallow in it, it's not giving us the space that we need to do the hard work to get where we want to be. Having a support system is something really important. So if you don't have a support system, I highly recommend getting involved in volunteer groups. If you are religious, go to, you know, do church if that's something that you want to do. If you are in some mom groups or join a gym, there's a lot of these great community fitness gyms, book clubs, all kinds of things available to you that could help you. And sometimes all you have to do is just be vulnerable and say, this is what I need help with, or whoever. Or ask the question, who else is having the same issue with comparison who else is comparing themselves and what can we do? Or does anybody have a book that they can recommend? There is a book called the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown that I actually have not read, but it came up during my research about this particular topic. And so I encourage you to read that book. I'm actually going to probably pick it up and read it here in a little bit. I have another book that I'm reading right now for a class that I'm in, but there are tools out there that you can utilize. Go to the library and see what you can check out at the library. If you're not able to pick it up at a store or there's a bookstore near me called Half Price books. I love them. Another book website that I like to go to is thriftbooks.com. that's a great one. So you can find some of these books and they're used, and so they might have dog eared pages and maybe some highlighting, but a book is a book if you can read the words right? So definitely work on this if this is something that is hindering you from moving forward, because if we are stuck in the rut of comparison, we're not going to be able to move forward. You have to understand that your path is unique completely to you. You are going to make decisions that will determine what your next steps are in your life. And depending on those decisions, we write our own story. We write our own story. So if you don't take a risk in anything, and if you play it safe and you don't get uncomfortable and you don't start something new, then you're just gonna sit in that cul de sac on your road, in your journey, and you're not gonna move. And that's when you can get stuck, because you're just gonna see everybody else going by you down their roads. If you need. If you need additional resources, don't forget about the supplemental worksheet that is located in the show notes for this episode. Just scroll down to the bottom and you can complete a quick form and download the worksheet to help you kind of get your thoughts flowing about comparison. And maybe it will help you. Maybe it will help you overcome some of these things. This is not an overnight kind of thing. You're not going to get over comparing yourself to somebody else overnight. I. There's no way. I mean, I compare myself to somebody just about every day. So this is something that I'm working on, too. It's really difficult for me to see somebody in their twenties in a VP role or even a CEO role. And I'm in my forties and I'm middle management.
[00:26:06] That's really hard. It's a really hard, hard thing to, you know, and I should not be comparing myself because my career path has been so different than somebody else who is super ambitious and did not get married as young as I did, and did not move around as much as I did, and did not have to rely on a job that felt safe. So what I'm saying is that everybody's going to compare and it's going to happen. So when it does happen, make sure you have the tools available to you and you know, which tools to access to help get you out of that cul de sac, that dead end on your road. So hopefully this episode gave you some helpful information. Maybe it validated some feelings. Maybe you just needed someone to kind of commiserate with and be like, yeah, I compare myself to. You're not alone. We all do it. And yes, we all get annoyed with the people who just talk about how much money they have and how rich they are. And I am always happy for somebody who is successful. Always, always, always.
[00:27:13] I'm grateful for everything that I have been through. And I think gratitude is something that you should bring into your life. If you are not grateful, definitely bring that into your life and show gratitude for the things that got you to where you are today. Even if you're in a place right now that you aren't happy with whatever's happening in your life today, you are learning from to change your life for tomorrow. So if we just go back to that quote, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Then take it one day at a time. We can do this. We can do it together. It's hard, but we're strong. We're moms. Moms are super strong. And we have to understand what our journey is and where we want to go. We have to understand our road of where we want to go in order to make it to the next step in life. Whatever we want that to be, whatever form of success we think that is, whatever job we think that that is for us, or maybe we want to own our own business. We have to understand what our path is, and we have to understand our obstacles. And just don't forget that being different makes a difference. I say that at the end of every podcast episode. And it's so true.
[00:28:33] No two of us are alike, unless we're twins. But even then, there's differences that's powerful. Being a unique person.
[00:28:43] There is power in that uniqueness. You just got to find it. I hope this was interesting to you today. If you have any podcast topic ideas, please send me an email at theremotemomcollective mail.com. or you can submit a form on my website which is remotemomcollective.com. find me on the socials. If you are on Instagram and I don't get back to you, just hang in there with me. With Instagram, guys. I'm doing my best.
[00:29:13] Oh, and if you want to be a guest on the podcast, there is a form on my website as well for you to complete. Make sure that you have a topic idea that's relevant to the remote mom collective podcast. Those requests are rolling in and I'm so excited to have some guests on this podcast to share their knowledge with me and you and introduce you to them. So thanks again. Like I say at the end of every episode, being different makes the difference. Let's support and inspire each other. Have a great day, y'all.
